


Stand by You

by ArthursKnight



Series: Lessons in Love [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Merle Dixon, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Merle Dixon, graphic description of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 22:04:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11975958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthursKnight/pseuds/ArthursKnight
Summary: When Merle tries to kill himself, Milton takes the decision to tell him how he feels. Prequel to Learn to Let Go





	Stand by You

**Author's Note:**

> So... What can I say?  
> I wanted to write a story for these two based on the song "Stand by You" by Rachel Platten. No matter what, it didn't work out and I ended up deleting all of it.  
> Then I had one of my attacks because of some stuff that happened with my abusive father. Crying and bawling and extremely suicidal, I wanted nothing but to self-harm. Instead, as I often do, I wrote. And this came out.  
> This work is deeply personal. I chose Merle because he's a character I can relate to for various reasons. But after I wrote the bad stuff, I wanted for it to be hopeful, for someone to take care of Merle like I wish I was cared for.  
> I wasn't sure I wanted to publish this... But here it is.
> 
> I just want to say, if you ever feel hopeless and alone, I am here. You can reach to me on here or on Tumblr, and I'll answer.
> 
> And now with the boring stuff: English is not my first language.  
> I thank @faeylinn over at Tumblr for beta-ing this work. I am sorry I made you cry with this.  
> This can be seen as a prequel to my other Merle/Milton "Learn to Let go". I'll probably write a series.
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS AND DO NOT MAKE MONEY OUT OF THIS WORK. ALL RIGHTS TO THE RESPETIVE OWNERS.

The dark night sky was brightened just by the few lightning bolts in the storm, forcing Merle to squint his eyes to look around.

Merle sat down on the floor beneath the only window in the room. The walls seemed to tremble under the thunder.

There were deep cuts on Merle’s hand-less arm, on his legs and tights. They burned. Little puddles of blood formed on the ground around him, staining his clothes. He brought his knees to his chest with a grunt, crushing the shards of glass surrounding him under his boots. His head was dizzy; Merle just wanted to close his eyes and sleep. His eyes drifted closed a few times.

Licking his lips, Merle took up one of the biggest shards close to him. He observed it for a while, turning it around and watching the way it reflected the lightning, and then he slashed open a new cut on his forearm. His head leaned back on the wall as he clenched his jaw. A single tear traced a wet trail down his dirty cheek. _Fucking let me die already._

Merle searched blindly for the bottle of scotch, finding it half empty next to him. He drank all of its content, gulping loudly. A bitter smile crept on his lips. _Daryl is better off without me anyway. I bet he ain’t even searching for me._

He didn’t remember how he got there, he just wanted a quiet place to stay alone and drown in his misery. Woodbury was always packed with people. And Milton was there, too. Milton, with his serious look and warm smile. Merle shook his head, letting go of that though. He’d roamed for a while and found an empty home, and here he was.

Merle struggled to get up, leaning against the windowsill. He let out a sharp exhale as he put pressure on the cuts, and his blood began to flow faster. His ragged breath sounded loud to him, drowning out the sound of rumbling thunder outside. There was a ringing in his ears that wouldn’t stop. “Let me die...” he mumbled. It came out as some weird slurred sound, as his tongue felt thick and stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Merle mindlessly slashed out at his leg, observing the blood from the latest cut make a trail down his skin. His limbs felt slow and heavy when he tried to move. _How much blood have I lost already?_ _Ain’t_ _it enough?_

His eyes fixed on the gun he’d brought along. _Such a pussy... can’t even_ _man up to_ _shoot yourself anymore, Dixon?_ His hand  reached out and gripped the weapon, but Milton drifted back into his thoughts. How disappointed the scientist would be if he killed himself. He could see Milton’s sad face, the way his mouth curled into a little cute frown, how he crossed arms…

Merle closed his eyes and chuckled,  dismissing the fantasy . _Like Milton would even care if I died. You’re_ _fuckin’_ _delusional, Dixon._

In the darkness behind his eyelids his mind began to drift. He thought he heard someone knocking and found some last energy to open his eyes again. He turned to see a figure outlined in the doorway by the storm outside. A familiar voice screamed his name and Merle saw the person running toward him before everything went black.

 

Milton bounced his leg, up and down, up and down, the irritated rhythm marking the time he’d spent sitting next to Merle’s bedside. _What was he thinking?_ _Why did he do this?_ He’d been staring at Merle’s unconscious body for hours, and his sight was blur ry from exhaustion and concern. When he’d seen Merle standing there, covered in blood, with so many cuts on him that Milton wasn’t able to count them all, and the blood and glass littering the ground, Milton had felt his heart stop.

 

“ _Merle!” Milton ran to catch the man, who fell into his arms like a dead weight. He noticed the blood, so much blood, covering all of Merle’s body, his clothes, the ground… Bile rose in his throat, but he shook his head and focused back on the ex-soldier. His eyes were closed, and he didn’t respond when Milton called his name._

“Merle, please!” Milton gently lowered him to a clear spot on the floor, then checked his pulse. It was faint, frighteningly so, but Merle was a fighter. He could survive this. Couldn’t he? He was certain The Governor would be _angry if he found out about this._ In all likelihood, he already knows, or he wouldn’t have sent me here. _Milton mentally kicked himself._ The only man you’ve ever loved is dying at his own hand and you think of Philip? Are you stupid? Wait… Love? _Milton shook his head at his own idiocy_ _and turned_ _his attention to the task at hand._ _He stripped Merle of his blood soaked clothes._ _The scars covering his body caught his attention_ _._ They are old, you imbecile! Focus on the new wounds! _Inhaling deeply, Milton checked the biggest_ _lacerations_ _, ripping Merle’s shirt to_ _try and stop the bleeding._

“ _Merle. Merle, please listen to me. You can do it. Survive for me. Please...” the thought of Merle being suicidal had never crossed his mind. Merle looked so strong, so sure of himself. Milton felt tears build up in his eyes.”I would have never left you alone if I knew… I swear...” he wanted to hug Merle, to tell him everything was going to be okay, but Merle couldn’t hear him right now. Somehow he manged to take Merle in his arms._ He is so light... Hasn’t he been eating? _Biting his lip, he headed to Woodbury._

 

The mere thought of losing Merle made the scientist feel queasy. Milton slapped at his own face, using the shock to focus. His glasses fell down and he stumbled to save them. His throat ached and tears filled his eyes, but they didn’t fall. _Why did he do that? Why didn’t he come to talk to me?_

“Merle… I-I know you can’t hear me right now.” Milton fidgeted with his shirt. His voice was hoarse after not speaking for hours, just waiting for Merle to wake up, but he had to say the words. “I want to tell you I’m sorry. Truly sorry. I should’ve stood by you. I wish I had made it clear that you could come to me to vent, to share your troubles with me...”

“Hmmh.”

Milton blinked, his breath caught in his throat. “Hey...” Milton was convinced the ex-soldier had said something and he wanted to be sure Merle heard his voice. After a while, Merle repeated the sound and turned his face, his eyes drifting open to look at him.

“Merle?” Milton leaned on the other man, waiting for him to talk.

“Miltie...” the man took a long breath, his chest rising and falling quickly. He blinked tiredly. “Where the fuck am I?” his eyes darted around the room, relaxing as he recognized Woodbury.

“You’re home.” Milton frowned, licking his lips, then clasped Merle’s hand with his, caressing it with his thumb. _I’ve waited enough, damn it. Merle could’ve died! When am I going t_ _o tell him if not now?!_

“Home” Merle scoffed. He stared at Milton’s chest, avoiding eye contact. “Ain’t ever gonna be a home for me, boy.” The Governor’s right-hand man tried to get up and let out a startled sound. He fell down onto the bed again as tears of frustration escaped his eyes. “Why the fuck am I still alive? Why?” Merle let out a long angry scream and growled, turning his head to the wall. “There is no reason for me to keep on fucking breathing, dammit!”

Milton felt his hand being gently squeezed and lowered his gaze to find Merle had returned the grip. He heard sniffling from the other man. His shoulders shook with his sobs and Milton wanted to cry too. _He let me believe he was strong, when he just needed to be held and reassured..._

“Don’t say that...” Milton frowned and swallowed nervously. _I love you. Just three words, it isn’t hard to say! Then why can’t I tell him?_

“Why?!” Merle shouted, but it took too much effort from him and he had a couching fit. New spots of blood formed on the fresh bandages from the strain. His next words came out weak. “It’s not like you want me here anyway...” the redneck kept his eyes off him, clenching his jaw, like he was ashamed. He tried to pull his hand away from Milton’s, but the scientist didn’t allow him.

“That’s not true!” Milton kept his voice firm and reassuring. “I care about you. You, uhm. You should know I’m here if you need me.” He found himself at loss of words, yet he needed to make Merle understand his feelings.

“What?” the man scoffed, but finally locked eyes with him. Milton’s heart melted as he saw how broken and teary Merle’s deep blue eyes looked. “What are you saying?” he tilted his head. _He_ _resembles_ _a lost puppy. A puppy that has been lied to and kicked too many times..._

“Exactly what I said” Milton licked his lips. “I care about you, Merle. Even if you don’t believe so.”

“Why would you care?” Merle moved to sit up again, and Milton helped him this time. The scientist caressed his back, checking the bandages and soothing the man he loved.

“Merle” Milton stressed the name. He took a deep breath, then spoke before he changed his mind. “I have deep feelings for you. Had for a while, actually” he shrugged. “When I saw you like that...”

Merle’s eyes widened and his lips parted. “What… What are you trying to do? Are you joking?” he crossed his arms over his chest as if defending himself from Milton’s words. “It’s not funny!”

“I’m not joking, Merle.” Milton shook his head, his eyes steady into Merle’s.

“I-”

“It’s okay. I know you don’t feel the same way” Milton’s heart felt like it had just been stabbed. “But I want you to know I’m here. And I’ll stand by you, now that you are recovering and whenever you feel down.”

“It’s not that.” Merle gulped. He trembled a bit, like he wanted to get up or move. “It’s just… I’m not used to it, I guess. But… thanks.” the ex-soldier licked the corner of his mouth, lowering his gaze to the ground.

Milton smiled in relief and hugged him. Merle stiffened in his hold, but then melted into it. _No protests? No violent reaction?_ His eyebrows shot up, but he bravely leaned more onto the man and started to gently pet his head.

Merle said something he couldn’t catch. “What?”

The redneck whispered again: “Don’t leave me, please...”

 _He understood. There is no need to say the exact words._ Milton kissed his cheek. “I told you. I’ll stand by you.” he held Merle tighter, careful not to hurt him.

**Author's Note:**

> As I said, if you ever feel the need to vent or just talk, I am here.
> 
> I am scared to ask what you think of this, but I'll do...


End file.
